The W Word ...

                                                                          

 Although the word widow(s) is mentioned 81 times in the Bible and  I’ve read some of the passages Alan Walker (BD, Westminster Theological Seminary) references, i.e. this verse from Psalm  68:5 Fundamentally, God is the kind of God who keeps a careful eye on the widow. He is profoundly concerned for her, together with the stranger and the fatherless. He is righteous and protects them for he is “a father of the fatherless, a defender of widows ... in his holy habitation”.  Widow is a word, an identification I don’t like. My husband of 45 years passed away four months ago. I still feel married to the man I shared so much with; my life, my forever love. Just this morning while at the Doctor’s office, and asked to update a form: Married. Single. Divorced. Widow. I couldn’t bring myself to check the W box. 

I don’t want to be a widow. I want to be married. To my life long soulmate, my lover, my friend, the father of my children; I want the love, the companionship, the security, the joy of being Mrs. Gary G. Dobbs.  

Earlier in the week my sweet friend, Ella, whose husband also passed away from Alzheimer’s texted me about two sites she thought helpful, providing understanding and a depth of insight to those of us who have lost a spouse, or loved one.  The first is  Teepa Snow. Teepa  can be found on Facebook. For many years she has been recognized as a strong advocate for Dementia patients, and their caregivers. In this recent podcast Teepa suggests with the loss of our spouse/loved one, it’s not so much ‘stages’ we go through , but a state of grief we’re in. How do we move it forward , get to the point of acceptance. How shall we remember, celebrate in honor of. How do we move beyond the grieving, realizing it is never over,   but coming to terms that a painful remembrance often leads to a joyful remembrance. 

The second site Ella suggested is Widowhood Is More Than... by Alisha Bozarth  (https://alishabozarth.com) .  Although somewhat long, I share what Alisha writes as I believe it describes, paints a  word picture of  what is it to lose a beloved spouse, and may be helpful to others who are grieving. The loneliness, the agony, the despair. But also, ultimately of courage and even hope.  I’m not there yet. But will always strive and do my best to make my darling husband, ( and  I include my beloved Mother)  proud of me.  I will carry on, but always with a sadness and longing for him (them) not here .

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

Widowhood…..

is life changing."

Not a rebirth , or  change I was seeking. Pretty happy and content with where I was at.  But I think, and reflect on all those   times widow mentioned in the Bible. And find some  solace in knowing widows have a part in God’s plan, under His care. As with our dearly beloved He called from us, to their Heavenly  home.

*** I love you , Gary Dobbs. Not just in this life, but through all eternity .