My Darling, Gary

 The room is dark and quiet, except for the sound of Gary’s shallow breathing, the tic tock  of the clock, and songs of faith, and love I compiled on Spotify at 4 a.m. this morning; songs we both like. Songs I hope will calm Gary’s spirit.

 Gary lays in the hospice bed we have set up in the TV room. I sit in a chair next to him. I don’t want to leave his side. I look at his hands, his arms, his face; His handsome face, his beautiful hands. I’m grateful he is sleeping  comfortably right now.  

                                                     

I don’t want to be apart from him. This man I’ve shared 44 years of my life with. During the past few days there have been times I thought,  I can’t bare this. I lost my Mother two years ago this month, and now my husband declining. 

I suppose there were challenges, difficult times in our marriage,  but if so, the good most surely outweigh any bad.  Gary and I worked together, played together, loved together, and yes!, sometimes fought together. Mostly, we liked each other , and enjoyed one another’s company.  When Gary retired we didn’t have to make any adjustments to Gary being home full time because for all our years together Gary worked from our home. We were together 24/7. Some of my friends marveled at how we could make that work.  Thankfully, and most wonderfully,  it did! 

Some who have read my blog know my husband has suffered with Dementia for the past few years, that the journey not always an easy one. I am grateful Gary still knows me, and our sons, Garrett and Gavin.  Yesterday was particularly bittersweet. Gary cried and cried and reached his arms up to hug me. He told me he was dying, and how much he loved me, that he was afraid he hadn’t told me enough.  I assured him he did, telling him how very much I loved him. Tears rolling down his cheeks, I lowered my head into his shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. 

Amy, our Hospice nurse was here earlier, as she was yesterday, along with dear friend, Jeanne, our youngest son, Gavin and his girlfriend Staci. The Hospice Pastor also stopped by to give comfort, telling Gary, in God’s time, and when you are ready. Earlier in the week our Parish priest, Father Jeff was here to anoint Gary and give him Eucharist.  Our oldest son, Garrett, and grandchildren Zachary & Rachel from California visited. And I’ve had many notes, calls  and texts from dear family and friends saying they are praying for my dear husband, and our family.  

Nurse Amy says now a matter of watching, and waiting. My heart weeps. I am sad beyond words to describe. Sad for my husband that he suffers, sad for me that the love of my life, my partner , the father of our children will be departing this earth. I think of lyrics to the song, What’ll I do when you are far away, and I am blue, what’ll I’ll do?

Yet, as much as I want Gary physically here with me, to be ever close to me- to hear the sound of his voice, the warmth of his embrace, to rest in his strength, I’m beginning to accept it’s time for me to let him go - to release my love to God our Father, in the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit; under the mantle of our Blessed Mother, Mary. To give thanks for my darling Gary, the gift he was to so many. The fabulous, faithful, loving  husband; the father and friend he’s been; generous and good.  And to pray for his peaceful passage through the Heavenly gate . 

 Oh, my darling, Gary.  I love you always and forever. 

Your Kathleen.