My Brother's Passing; A Mother's Heart

                                                                      

My brother passed away 15 years ago today. May 30, 2010. Walt was 55.   Every year since both my father and I have remembered Walt by writing about him, some little anecdote or sweet memory about his life.  And the binding  impact he had on our life, and the lives of all who knew and loved him. Especially our Mother.  Mom passed in 2018.  But only two weeks ago did I come across some folded pages I found tucked away in one of her journal's. Reading  her words, in her handwriting brought me to tears.  So on this anniversary of my brother's passing it is not my telling, and remembering,  but my beloved Mother's. Sharing a mother’s heartache at the loss of her only son. 

About May 30, 2010

Four months ago my world was quite ok. It was May 30. A bright and sunny Sunday - summer was on the way - Summer never came or if it did I didn't notice.  

That sunny day in May my son called - Hi Mom ! The dogs doing great. We were both happy about that - I'm coming home in June he said, to help you. The day was good - Early evening a phone call - He's dead ! Who - who- What- I can't understand you- Kerri's voice - It's Walt - he's dead- This is a mistake, a big mistake.  How can your mind go so blank - 

You are talking but you can't hear what you are saying - you think you are having a stroke - a nightmare. Whatever - it can't be real - 

We'll be there - we'll be there. Kerri needs us now. 

Oh my God in Heaven give me the strength - I don't think I can, I have to, no I can't. I must call his sister, my daughter. Her heart will break - the hardest, worse call I have ever made.

Jan 2, 2011

Another 4 months is gone. Christmas came & went, New Years - now it's Jan 5, 2011- In another 4 months it will be 1 year - No more to hear his 'Hi Mom'- his laugh, to listen to a plan he has - They say it will pass & get better - but wait - wait a minute here - nothing will pass. Are you kidding me. I never ever want the sound of his voice to "pass". The sound of his laughter - "to pass". I want to hear him saying 'Mom I love you & my sister more than you'll ever know -  I do hear it, I do see him in my minds eye. To me my children were always beautiful & loving & fun - I'll always see them. I'll always hear them - Nothing has changed - Now don't think I'm nuts - Walt has moved on to wait for us - but he is still my son ! He is still Kathy's little brother.  No, no, no I don't want anything "to pass”

And this entry, so loving and tender. 

The Same Sat aft.

I just walked out to the mail box & back. Sometimes I like getting mail, sometimes I don't.

The very worst thing came in my mail box today - my Son, my darling, my ever loved son Walt's death certificate - Nobody, nobody ever should have to look on or read their son's death certificate - only 55 years ago I was reading his Birth certificate. I was 21, he was 2 days old - Life & love was new & wonderful. My 4 year old daughter, Kathy was waiting at home to enfold him in her little arms. We will never hold him again - Kathy is now 60 years old & I'm almost 78 - Now you might think or say 55 yrs is a long time- It isn't -

The little hands that stroked your face - the little feet you kissed - the sky blue eyes smiling up at you. Ohhh -  

Kathy's baby brother he will always be - I sit at my kitchen table looking out at the beautiful blue sky - But- it doesn't sparkle like Walt's eyes did. 

You were so loved,Walt.  You are so missed.

                                                             

I know my Mother as an amazing woman. Loving, generous, kind, strong, calm, caring; forgiving.  A woman of deep  faith and prayer. There was never any doubt my brother and I were the gleam in her eye, her pot of gold, the light of her life. And she was everything to us.  So on this anniversary of  Walt's passing I remember my little brother and our Mother, and our life together, and how very good it was.