Last night I dreamt my husband was in bed laying next to me, like he did every night for 45 years. I could feel the warmth of his body and touch of his skin; and knew the familiar smell of him. In my dream I nudged his shoulder and turned on the lamp light, waking him to tell him I thought I heard a noise outside the window. Gary responded, but his voice muffled and I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying. Then I woke up. And the sweetness of Gary laying next to me was gone. I lay alone. Missing my husband, and our life together.
I no longer cry daily, but the tears still come. I carry on, but my heart remains sad. I’m homesick for my husband. His hand holding mine, and the routine of our daily life together, and how good it was.
I speak with friends, many who have lost their husband, too. Each of us in different stages of grief. Each of us missing, and lonely for our mate. All agreeing it’s not easy. Some days harder than others. But each cherishing the memory of our married years, of our spouse no longer here. And being a support to one another. Not at the same time - at different times whenever needed. Never knowing just when that might be.
Today, October 10 is one of those anniversaries I don’t look forward to. At 2 p.m. today it will be two years since Gary passed away. Written in my mind, on my heart, in my spirit I am drawn to Gary on the hospice bed in our TV room. Me snuggled next to him. His arms wrapped about me. Saying our goodbyes and expressing our love for each other. Our faces flooded with tears. Trusting God’s angels of mercy will carry Gary gently through Heaven’s gate. And there he’ll be until we meet again.
*** Grateful am I for family and dear friends to help see me through; this morning at church, Gretchen quietly came beside me in the pew I was sitting to give me an arrangement of roses freshly cut from her garden, telling me it was for Gary and me, a special remembrance of Gary on this day. It warmed my heart beyond measure.
And then a lovely email from sweet friend, Sue G., encouraging me, reminding me : Like stars outshine the darkest night, LOVE outshines a single lifetime. And so it does.
In memory of my darling husband, Gary Dobbs. I carry you in my heart ♥️ forever and always. December 14, 1940 - October 10, 2020
