Process and Providence

The 4th of July.  The first holiday since my brother's death a little over a month ago. The emptyness, the void of his not being here looms large, like i'm  lost in the vast expanse of a dry, desolate desert.   i want to call  Walt  on the phone to hear his voice, to send him an email letting him know i'm thinking of him, to follow his Mafia game play on Facebook;  But it's not to be.   i want to look forward to being with him this month at our mother's home in Clarkston where we'd  visit the Pawn shops, share secret thoughts and  laugh at some silly thing while having  a beer together.   Walt promised mom he'd install gutters on the outside of her house.  A promise he won't be able to keep.  My mother is sad beyond belief, not because of gutters, but because her only son is gone from this earth , the one she brought into the world , nurtured and loved unconditionally. Her son who  is no longer here for her  to encourage  and  tenderly embrace .  My heart aches for her.

i think of Kerri, Walter's long time love,   her heart broken as she sits alone in the front room of the house she and Walt shared for so many years.    Weeping,  and wishing with all her might that this 4th of July was like last 4th of July when Walt grilled steaks outside and found joy setting off boxes of fireworks in their backyard. 

i want to be strong for both Mom and Kerri, but it's not easy as i still have a hard time grasping  my brother has died.  Looking for solace and trying to understand,   i read C.S. Lewis' ( the reknowned Christian apologetic)  book, " A Grief Observed".  Lewis describes so accurately the anguish of grief when a beloved one dies.  He says, "it's like an amputation".  And indeed it is.  Especially when it is one so close, so connected, so loved.

Somewhere in my being i know this total feeling of loss and separation is  a process we must endure.   Not easy , but hard. At once angry with God, questioning God, doubting God. Until finally accepting God's wisdom, and His Divine Providence ; Trusting in the end all will be well and Walt is laughing  with the Angels.

Chains of Sorrow

The shock
of his death; sorrow
deep, sorrow pervasive
sorrow not bitter,
just sad
over the loss
of this dearly
departed one
locks my heart
with grief
like chains
around the ankles of a prisoner.
Where is the hope?  of seeing
his face again, the joy
of his laughter, the sound
of his voice.
How long will i feel the pain ?
the void, the emptyness of his
not being here (little brother mine)
Only all the days
of my life.